Mother's Day: The Holiday I Thought I Didn't Want
Posted: Saturday, May 10, 2008
by Kimberly
http://kimberlyinChance.blogspot.com
Our children are grown now and my husband and I are seriously&n
bsp;thinking
about retiring. As the next chapter of our lives begins to
unfold, I started reminiscing my role as a parent? Did I do everything that I
could have for my kids? I know I yelled sometimes, but...... with Mother's Day
approaching it makes me realize "again," just how blessed I have been.
You see from the beginning of our marriage, I didn't want children! I know
that sounds terrible with this approaching holiday, but some of us just weren't
cut out to be parents, and I at least had the courage to acknowledge that I was
one of them.
When I was young excluding my Grandmother's love, I always kept people at
a distance and did not like to be touched. I didn't like to acknowledge that
I was cold, so being diagnosed with Reynauld's disease at an early age certainly
turned out to be a great advantage for me.
I was fortunate enough to marry my best friend and a very good man. My
mental coldness evaporated with him and we shared together a wonderful
marriage. We had several happy years under our belts, but I knew deep down
that he still desired children. We were now financially capable and my husband
was in his 30's, but I was afraid.
I wasn't fearful of pregnancy, gaining weight or even labor. I was
fearful that when our child would be born, my coldness and indifference would
return. What would I do if I couldn't connect? Would it be fair for me to become
a mother and bring a baby into this world, just because someone "I love" wanted
one?
I decided I loved my husband enough to say "ok" we'll try. That was a very
weak response, considering this was a life long commitment, but he was my
husband and best friend so, "ok we'll try."
You can imagine my dismay when, "ok we'll try," didn't bear fruit. Month
after month I remained regular. When a co-worker of mine announced she was
pregnant after only one month of being off the pill, I became anxious. For the
next eight months, I watched as her belly grew and she excitedly stated, "She
was carrying a son." She visited her office during her pregnancy leave and
brought that beautiful baby boy with her. For the very first time, I felt pure
envy.
I acted like an impatient child when my Dr. prescribed fertility drugs. He
explained that if they didn't work in 3 months, there was something else wrong.
I left his office knowing I had my prescription of miracle pills and that I
would be carrying our first child within a month.
As the second month past without any success, I realized I had
become obsessed. For years I didn't want a baby, then I progressed to "ok we'll
try." Next, I felt I really did want a baby and now I was actually praying to God for one. The third month was our charm.
Although, my pregnancy was very easy and uneventful, the unheard of
happened in the labor room. I began to hemorrhage after delivering and my son's
heart had stopped along with his breathing. It appeared to the nurses and
the Dr. that they were going to lose both of us. Through the grace of God, they
were able to stop my bleeding and after three attempts to resuscitate my son he
was finally able to breathe on his own.
On May 11th, I will have had the privilege to celebrate Mother's Day and
to be called Mom for 25 years. I believe God had a plan and he didn't just hand
me over a baby, when I casually decided I wanted one. Under his wisdom and
patience he entrusted me to raise one of his most vulnerable innocence, when I
had earned that right!
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)hi kimberly, this was a smoothly, well-written, interesting article that was also touching. it read like the two of us were having a conversation, thanks for sharing, my best, sue
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